So few and far between

It seems that as of late, even as my reminders dwindle, posts come fewer and fewer. Lets just say I'm thinking what comes next. There is a certain dichotomy between what is and what will be. I am coming to my resolution faster than I'd like. Needless to say, for those who have the 'code' to read it, Stone Meadow wins out over Sailway...not that there needs to be a contest. In the end, I know I am better off at the first over the second.

Cryptic? Yes. This post comes at the end of a great deal of deliberation. Far at the end of the line, I need to be what Ilynn said so many years ago...self-sufficient and where I need to be.

Ill say this for the day ...

There are those I miss and those I long to be with from day to day. But, as Helen Melton Whitaker used to say "Crap in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up faster...".
If, in the end I am wrong in this endeavor, Ill be incredibly surprised. It hasn't taken me this long to figure out what to do - its taken me this long to get up the courage to do it.

Ive had many stages in my life - very interesting ones - and Im thankful for them all. What comes next? Who knows. What I do know is this. Its time...just like Christy Boughman told me - its time to do something.

I need to be brave, less worrysome, and just do what needs doing.

Ten years from now, I'll look back on this and smile - and know it was for the best.

The FearFest that COULD have been...

So after two weeks of horror movies, I have to say that this year is no better or worse than last year. I realize that AMC is starting a zombie series on Sunday, but that doesnt mean that someone at AMC couldnt have put about 15 minutes over a box of doughnuts in a conference room to make some better decisions.

The staples were all present: the original Dracula (Nosferatu - silent and the 1931 with Bela Lugosi), Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, The Creature from the Black Lagoon - and rightly so. Even the marathons of the Friday the 13th and the Halloween series were welcome and seasoned in their blood, gore, and mayhem. On the other end of the spectrum, however - was the ghastly Italian import Slaughter of the Vampires and the public domain sequel to the Amazing Colossal Man - War of the Colossal Beast.

With a little more thought, the offerings could have included some of the classics - including the original Mummy, Witchboard, Interview with a Vampire, An American Werewolf in London, the (original) Blob, and about fifteen others.

Next year, AMC, perhaps you might even delight us with some of your original movies youve had produced and released to DVD. Leave the low (or no) budget pieces of work to yourself - or at least bring Elvira and Joe Bob Briggs back to entertain us.

Dont mistake me, AMC execs - thank you thank you for two whole weeks of very good movies and frightening fare - since no other network does as much as you do. All I ask, and there may be others out there, is take suggestions next time. We'd like to be part of the process.

And for Halloween, my good friends, i sign off and wish you ...very very ... pleasant....screams!!!

FearFest - - Happy Halloween

Ive never said it here, but I absolutely adore Halloween. Im not sure why nor can I tell you the moment I realized it, but nonetheless, I do. For the past week, I have made it my mission to be engrossed in AMC's FearFest. It has been completely delightful!! At this moment (note the timestamp), I am watching the 1931 Dracula - and it is a triumph of cinema! I could care less what Roger Ebert says!

I challenge you, my good readers, to think of the horror movies you like, if you like any of them. Ill tell you this.

Saturday evening/Sunday evening (which ever Trick or Treat'ers frequent), the DVR where I am will be showing the CLASSICS - Nosferatu, Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolf Man, and The Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Pleasant screams!! ((evil laugh follows))

Reckless Abandon

Nothing new going on this end. Thought I should at least keep everyone up to date on the goings on of "status quo". The rain is particularly calming today. I didnt expect it would creep up like it did. The forecast mentioned SOME rain, but wow - this was a very pleasant surprise.

With the AMC Fear Fest 2010 marathon entering its second week, Ill just quote Beldar Conehead before I sign off.

"Stability and contentment have been achieved".

Oh, and my song of the week, which 2LT Ramey calls "crappy" is - The Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition. VERY GOOD - at least in my opinion.

No rainy day blues here. Let's all hope that Caprice's classes are going well.

Before JPA sends me a note...

I have not posted in a couple days and Im 6 into a 12 pack so now seems like as good of a time as any.

First, yes, I missed Homecoming. Im sure the MAB email will be scathing and harsh. Much like my meetings with MBW.

Second, its my step mothers birthday. Happy Birthday, Susan. You deserve the best after dealing with BDW for so many years.

Third, any questions? Lets hear them --- Ill be honest in subsequent posts ...

Tropical Storm Otto

I cant complain after the last rain event here. It was absolutely incredible. Now, Tropical Storm Otto comes along, forms, and moves in the COMPLETE opposite direction that most storms move - due WEST. Sigh, I think to myself. It going to be a long dry fall. At least the temperatures are nice. I know this one is short, but I just couldnt believe that a storm would form and just go away. I suppose thats life tho. You expect something to blow up - and instead it just blows away.

Thats not a bad way to have things unfold.

If youve been waiting...

I started listening to Pandora again today. I was cleaning the house and didnt have anything special I wanted to hear, so as I used to, I just clicked on "Here With Me" radio and waited for the techno (yes, dont be surprised) to begin. ATB is still my favorite, but there are a few like Alice DJ, Robert Miles, Hypertrophy, and even a Madonna song in there that just makes you want to get up and do something!!

In this case, I was not disappointed. I wonder what will play next. If you havent yet, sign up for a free account. It will keep up with playlists you like and always perks up an otherwise dull afternoon.

Also, if you havent looked, a friend of mine from Western has his own photography site on Facebook. If you need a little diversion, take a gander here. Matthew is very talented and I think he will do well.

Thermodynamics and feeling badly

Ive said it before and Ill say it again. Sometimes, when life goes to shit, Im reminded of the Third law of thermodynamics. Paraphrased it can be summed up by saying "You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't get out of the game."

In this particular case, feeling nostalgic for the past and listening to Imogen Heap, I see a particular photograph of someone from my past and can't help but wonder what if. JBR and ESD have both said to me recently that they wonder what if on occasion. I remember telling them that there is no point in doing that. The universe unfolds as it should. Looking back doesnt do anything at all but bring you to the point of tears and consume your whole self with doubt and sorrow about moments long gone.

I submit to you, whoever you are reading this, it is perfectly acceptable and maybe even encouraged to shed a tear or two about things that might have been. Don't misunderstand me. Gandalf said it best when he reminded Frodo that no one gets to say "I wish _______ had never happened". All we can do is decide (anything) one way or the other and hope that that decision is proper. If its not, well --- in that case.... all you can do is look a photographs and remember, with a happy disposition an easier time.

I could ramble on all day but - I made my choice. I am, for the most part, completely content and well taken care of. I cannot say that I regret where I am now - I certainly do not. RBB, 2 and PGR are amazing friends and keep me very centered - - - more so than in any time in my life. Still, how many of us dont just wonder - the possibilities? Thank goodness that every reality that can happen, has. If you believe in the intricacies of quantum mechanics, you've got that to look toward.

I will make a manifest effort to be happy in my own skin. As it stands now, I certainly am. I worry - like always - but things work out. I am safe, happy, fed, and secure. I can say that I do know who I am and where I belong. That has been a long time coming.

That doesnt mean that I miss the things that could have been. Thermodynamics aside - it would be nice to win. Maybe Im closer to it than I think. Maybe we all are...

...that doesnt mean I dont miss that one rainy night in Kentucky; or that one trip to Waterrock Knob on the foggy night; or the events that made me who I am today.

Maybe I shouldnt have asked for so much...

Wilmington NC set an all time record for rainfall since record keeping began A HUNDRED THIRTY YEARS AGO! Ok, so maybe that was a touch too much rain. The only thing that would have made it better (aside from the Sailway couch and beer or the Pinebluff Porch) would have been to be in Myrtle Beach on a balcony watching it. Maybe next time...

Holy crap - THAT was rain. Fall is here.

And the rain listened...

Two more days of solid rain. Didn't see this one coming. Just goes to show you what Ive heard can go both ways; its the things you don't expect. Id like to take a moment to pay my respects to Mr. Glenn Marlin. He will be sorely missed by all who knew him. Im glad I got to know him since his grandson and I have been friends over the last twenty-two some odd years.

Take a moment today to call someone you love and tell them that you do. You just never know. Its the things you don't expect...

Rain, Rain - - Stay.

It has arrived, my friends. The rain - two whole days of it. Solid and cool, this event marks the end of an eventful summer. I plan on doing quite a bit of writing while I still can as I think it may rain tomorrow as well. The Dixie Classic Fair has been coming to Winston-Salem for over 80 years and it is coming here Friday. I will most likely go with my sister and brother-in-law next weekend, as I havent been in MANY MANY years. Nothing like elephant ears and having someone guess your weight to make you feel like Fall has indeed arrived.

Supernatural was a slight disappointment Thursday. Something about AD Skinner from the X-Files as the Grandfather just makes me feel like Mulder and Skully are sitting outside in a car waiting to arrest the Winchesters.

A big thanks this week to JPA for reminding me, yet again, I had become lax in writing and to Abshire for allowing me to explain the science and mathematics behind "The Event" on NBC.

One more thing - - PGR - for the Busch Light, the garage sitting, and for letting me lock you out of your house. Sorry about that.

Now - I wonder if its gonna rain Friday...

All the great shows

The West Wing, Smallville, Eureka, Battlestar Galactica - and now - Fringe. I am beyond stoked for this to have come back on. It looks like an amazing season. So, even though there is no rain in sight - (lets hope for Saturday)...

There is Fringe...and Supernatural tomorrow night. Hallelujah!

Almost just isnt enough

So, I came outside to watch the first thunderstorm of Fall roll this way in my usual spot. I can see the lightning - but for some strange reason - the core of the storm is moving DUE east - - - and will miss us altogether. What a shame. It looked like a good one. At least the light show is good.

Another good thing about this week is that the new seasons of your (and my) favorite shows are coming back...and none too soon. The Biggest Loser wont get good til about January, but at least Supernatural and Fringe are here again. The weekend is coming soon and I hope everyone has decent plans out there. Depth isnt coming these days. Ive been working on my latest short story and its consumed most of my pith and creativity.

If any of you play Frontierville - SEND ME BRICKS!! Im about to stop playing that effing game because I cant get what I need. Maybe its a sign...

...or maybe not.

Post One Hundred and Warehouse Thirteen

The season finale of Warehouse 13 hit close to home this evening. I felt EXACTLY the same way when I left that town in Virginia. Sometimes you just know things arent for the best and as much as it sucks, you just have to walk away. Almost always, things work out and you find something that was better. I cant say Ive been disappointed when Ive walked away from things before...tho they almost always suck in the short term.

In other news - tomorrow is game night and we are on part three of our campaign. Sure could use another person for a third adventurer. Hump day tomorrow folks - have a good one and dont work too hard.

The diet begins - but its not the worst part

I actually walked around the block TWICE today. Seriously - Dave Whitaker, exercise? Isn't that like George Bush scoring high on the MENSA exam? Well folks, as Stuart Robinson said earlier, "It must indeed be cold in the upper reaches of Hades". Still I like eating better, more often BUT much MUCH smaller portions, and with spices. Get this - HALF a chicken breast FILLED ME UP.

Yes, youre talkin to the guy who COULD at one time eat 6 Big Mac's at one sitting and still want a pie. Itll be a long road. My housemate's mother lost 30 pounds but at about a pound or two a week. I told someone that by July 4th I was hoping that I could wear a pair of their size 32 board shorts to the pool.

Time will tell. NO RAIN still - but eh, its coming soon enough. Stay tuned folks - ill be back soon enough.

So far this September

Bruce's birthday was today. He had a great day and got an iPad. It was an amazing afternoon and Im almost Loremaster so thats three good things.

Also, if you have NEVER seen it or heard of it, get on Hulu and watch Blacula and Scream, Blacula, Scream. These two films are just amazing. Campy? Sure. Blaxploitation? Absolutely. Still, Samuel Z. Arkoff really knew how to make 'em back in the day.

Its just about depressing that there is still no rain on the horizon. When this little drought we are in comes to a halt, the equilibrium that'll be needed to bring things back into balance will make the Flood for the Ark look like a Spring sprinkle, so that one I can wait for.

Besides in about five weeks, itll be the middle of OCTOBER...and the chill will really be on its way.

Oh, and my diet is goin pretty well. Im down 8 pounds and tryin to get down to a really unmanagable weight. Pull for me.

Three at once and

We find ourselves in the midst of another busy season and there are three tropical systems in the Basin again. Alas, we have YET to get any appreciable rain out of the Hurricane season. Of course, there is another peak in October - a SLIGHT one - but I have a distinct feeling that even that won't bless us with any precipitation. After the amazing snow we had earlier in the year, I dont suppose I can complain. Nonetheless, Im still longing for a nice couple of nothing but slow even keeled rain.

My brother-in-law said earlier "Just because you are paranoid, doesn't mean that theyre not out to get you." Man, thats the truth. Wanting something doesnt make it happen. Dreaming hard enough doesnt make dreams come true. Im not being pessimistic here, more like being realistic. Granted, the universe unfolds as it should - and I completely agree with that.

Ill keep being paranoid, it wont help, and no rain in the forecast til at least next week. At least my panic attack is over. It really sucked.

The evening wears on

Oh my. Someone said "if the Green Mile came on, youd have an emotional orgasm". How true.

The rain holds off for another couple hours - and I wonder.

What comes next? I keep asking this question like it should strike me out of the blue. Eventually, Ill figure this one out for myself.

In the interim, Igor swirls, the rain approaches, and im gonna finish my beer.

Good news - dont panic

I have started into a case of coma beer in anticipation of three things. 1) Its going to rain in about an hour for the first time in about a week. 2) the Miami football game today (yes, I watch college football thanks to a certain Regenthal) and 3) writing the ending to the most recent short story. 9 episodes of Voyager and TNG on the DVR and an airshow that has really big aircraft over our house every now and again.

It should be an interesting day. Holler if you choose, tho Facebook wont be around TOO much.

The Book of Eli

Oof. Fantastic movie. If you havent seen it, do. Denzel really makes this one happen in a good way. Its my pick of the weekend. After seeing it, I have to consider a couple items and a post or two.

Do more for others than you do for yourself, thats what I took from it anyway.

The Last Song

Not bad. Weepy. People you love can be around to watch you make mistakes. At least theyre not nearly as critical or apt to walk away when you dump the load in the middle of the road.

Ok, so the movie was predictable - but sometimes predictability is a good thing. Autumn is coming more quickly than I anticipated. I do sincerely wonder what will happen before Christmas in just about everything.

Oh yes, there is some perfect moment music imbedded pretty deep in the film. REALLY good. Ill have to search that out.

Soon - soon enough - time will tell. But damn, I sure as hell wish it would rain. There is ZERO in the forecast until at least MONDAY of next week. Perhaps thats when the winds will change direction and Ill push off from the dock. Heres hoping the sail can pick the breeze up and move me away.

Its never the stuff you see

I heard once that its never the stuff you see - but the stuff that sneaks up on you that does the most damage. Yep. Thats the God's honest truth. No way to get around it either. I cant believe that Im watching 'The Last Song'.

This is going to be a bad bad afternoon.

The Events in Order

First, a caveat or two. Event One is not a band - but rather a person (Nice try Moody). I am fairly certain everyone has people whove come into their lives and changed it to the degree that once they leave - you are BEYOND who you were before. There are a couple of very significant moments not included in this list.

My honorable mentions - - PGR - you were significant in a MUCH different way. You can be the Judge of what. Thanks for letting me be part of your family. JPA - you are something else. You taught me to get off my dead ass and stop feeling sorry for myself. Im glad Ive seen you do so much. Im proud of you. Nothing works unless you do. RC - you got married!! You found your purpose - - I told you would. Um Hum. Thanks for so much it goes without mentioning. Riverton High Football rules!

THE EVENTS (in chronological order)

Event Negative One - DJE. I had no idea that twenty six years later that this person would have been such an influence. This event taught me to be strong and just MOVE. Happiness comes by doing. Trust may be hard but when it counts - I know youll be there. Five.

Event Zero - STM. One movie, many posts, countless IM conversations. I am good enough just the way I am. Like it, lump it, fuck it, build a bridge and get over it. Respect is earned or taken. This one taught me that Im strong enough to do what needs doing.

Event One - BSJ. Saw this one this past weekend. Photo on Facebook to come. This one taught me I am looked up to. Im smart, fun, and protective. This one was the hardest to let go of. Moving on sucks sometimes, but if its meant to be - theyll show back up....even if its twenty years later.

Event Two - SDC. Mutual respect and protection are the names of the game. This event motivated me to leave one life and start another one. Man, was that a good choice.

Event A - BAF. Serendipity. You almost didnt become "Billboard" because we didnt want to lose you. You did - and things changed, but you are still one amazing guy. I think things worked out in the end. 465 or not - thanks for being a great friend.

Event B - KWL - Ken Colgrove. SPURS - through thick and thin - disappointment and elation. The twenty year plan is still in place. Thanks for telling me truth and still being my friend. That takes some balls.

Event C - TAH. Thanks for inviting a total stranger for Christmas. You changed the rules of the game and its players. For so many, you were the coolest person they knew and you were nice to them. Youll receive your reward - oh wait - I think you have. She looks amazing. Congrats.

Event Three - MAB. Holy shit. This one takes the top spot. This one taught me more than I can summarize. Only one true almost come to blows fight - but man, I love my little brother. The original, you might say. Look how far youve come. I called it - and it makes me so happy I could cry.

Event Four - BML. The days and nights spent talking, listening, planning are almost endless. The Southernmost point and the back porch are our places. The OC - Conclave - and Key West. Western Kentucky at Christmas and central Virginia in the Summer. The delivery of life changing news and a beautiful daughter. All things change but they will always stay the same - IBW.


Some ladies to thank as well.

AWD - Daddy would be so proud of you. I am. Great mother and wonderful wife. Stop giving Drew a hard time. Youre tough, smart, and not to be fucked with. I love my sister.

AMR - Beautiful family and more patience than Mother Teresa. Thanks for McDonalds frappe's and just listening to me ramble. Ill always be your Hazel. "Are you ready for your afternoon tea, your Grace?"

ESD - A man is the sum of his memories, me even more so. When I have to prove myself, I can say you taught me how. Im stronger, more able, and wiser because of you. The funny thing is that there about a thousand people who are too - because of you. Believe in yourself - there are a shit ton of people out there who believe in themselves because you did first.

CSB - One amazing house mate, ride sharer, and cook. You are one fine example of "my way or the highway". Thanks for supporting when no one else did.

Oh, and Caprice - for your continual support. You got what you deserved - the Happily Ever After. Imagine that...

Part One of the Weekend

GREAT first beginning night. Talked to a great many people - had a good amount of beer and now its off to the Titans game. Afterwards, a race and then ck to Castle Regenthal for part 2. Lets see how this one goes.

ESD - Thanks for talking last night. Glad I worked for THE Queen of Student Development.

AD - Next weekend for sure.

DJE - 3 PM

As a side note, everyone who talks to me should take down my drunken ramblings and let me read them the next day. Thats always fun.

Oh yes, it turns out that people on FB that I didnt think wanted to be friends have found me again. Thats a promising sign.

Early to Rise

This morning, the hurricane is tracking just to the north east of Cape Hatteras, with bands of squalls moving as far inland as Greenville. Even though it looks like theres a nice dark purple cloud bank off to the east here this AM, its not associated with Earl. Oh well. The rain looks pretty impressive watching the coverage on 12.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. The Labor Day holiday has arrived. Summer is almost officially over. It has been a long hot one with a ton of changes for everyone. Lets hope that Fall 2o10 is a little wetter, a little slower, and a little kinder to us all.

1877 Views

I am blown away. Since I started writing, 1877 hits have been recorded on this page. I have no idea what everyone is doing looking here - this is simply an old, weird, stubborn, anxiety ridden screw up's place to vent on the web. What on earth would have promped 1877 hits since May? ALMOST freaky enough for me to stop posting, but hell...at this point...why would I?

Shifting gears, NEP told me a week or so ago that everyone makes mistakes and that there are people in this world who love me and worry about me. --deep exhale-- Of all the things Ive screwed up in the past, I wonder if absolution will ever come. I know I have to forgive myself for all my mistakes before anyone else can - if those apologies ever get made. On occasion, I wonder if I will turn out like my Dad did in the end; just before he died. I can remember him being riddled with guilt over things past and no idea what his future would hold. Im sure we all feel that way on occasion, but he didnt get over it.

If 1877 page views since May have been registered, that means that just 20 people look at this blog a day - which isnt too bad. There are a shit ton of people out there who couldnt count 20 friends from their whole lives...for that...Im blessed.

Part two of the Star Trek rant will come soon enough - man - I cannot get over just how unbelieveably bad bad bad that movie was. So much for reboots.

The New Star Trek Movie - part one.

*****ALERT - THIS IS A TOTAL RANT *****

Well, I never thought any of my posts would resort to out and out ranting but this is just awful.

Nothing about the new JJ Abrams butchery of 40 years of a sci-fi icon is worthy of being seen over again. The first ten minutes is pure drivel. Since when did ships that old carry 20 shuttle craft? Since when would now orphaned Jim Kirk be listening to Beastie Boys Sabotage? Angels of Grace save us.

At least they got Vulcan right. Oh wait - what about the IDIC? I thought there was supposed to be a tolerance for things different. THE ONLY thing that was right was the green blood on Spock's lip.

What the hell is a Starfleet installation doing in the middle of Iowa anyway? Thats just preposterous. Ok - THEN Jim Kirk hits on Uhura? This is more than Darth Vader making C-3PO; oh wait - he did. And then Kirk morphs into some Matt Damon "Good Will Hunting" reject? Beyond insanity.

Lets move on to Bones McCoy - Hold old is he anyway? 40? AND REALLY? Medea is Starfleet Commander Komack? Honestly? Lets have Tyler Perry run Starfleet - wait Komack was a WHITE MAN! Anyone see the episode "The Trouble with Tribbles"?

Eric Bana as the Romulan who starts communications with "Hello?" and what the hell is "the red matter"? NO ROMANCE between Uhura and Spock. Just cant fathom that one.

More to come - but man alive -- so far SO BAD.

All this, and Im sober.

Event One - T minus Two days

With Hurricane Earl scheduled to miss the Triad of North Carolina, we are completely out of the woods for Saturday rain. However, I will be seeing Event One with the Dutchess of Regenthal and watch Judge Regenthal coach tiny tot football at the Titans Field. Afterwards, (get ready for this) I am going to Farmington DRAGWAY (glup) for a race and then back to Regenthals for Sailway BeerFest 2010.

Next weekend, I think I will pester the crap out of my sister before taking the trip to ATL to see Sam and Kim. Dear Lord - I wonder if staying out is good for me.

In the interim, RBB2 and I are watching the new Star Trek and totally destroying its content for fun.

Just a little rain would be nice...at least theres another rain maker behind this one.

One right after the other

First of all, my apologies for my lack of posting. In the first place, Ive been a little under the weather and in the second, Ive felt a lack of ability to post anything worth reading.

On the weather end of things, there have been three systems in the Atlantic Basin to talk about for over a week...and as one moved on to the north and became extratropical; another system rolled off the coast of Africa; one right after the other.

Since I usually draw a parallel to me from that scenario, Ill say this. Just as Earl began to swirl out in the ocean, a friend I havent seen in nearly 14 years dropped back onto the scene. I couldn't be happier about it. I know I posted several weeks back about Serendipity - finding something you needed right under your nose that you didnt see before. Well, while there are a great many people out there that I love and cherish - this one was almost like an Event One. Lets call this one Event Zero. What makes Event Zero different is that it makes me feel like I did in my late teens - really ready to do something daring. I never did because I worried about the consequences. Now, Im happy to report (while I still worry) Im a lot braver.

Plus Event Zero makes Chuck Norris look like a total wuss.

Next weekend is the premier showing of the "Semi Annual Regenthal Beer Fest and Grillout". Itll be as stellar as the other Semi Annual event I love (to see) at Vickie's Secret.

Sorry JPA, Ill try to do better. AMR, more crack soon!!

Twice the fun

So after three days at Castle Regenthal, Im having a great time. TWO hurricanes in the Atlantic Basin and I still cant remember my conversation with Event One (though it did happen and I think it went well.) First day of school - man. I remembered a piece that an comedienne from the 1980's named Elaine Boosler did. She'd say (paraphrased) "When I grew up Id hear that school bus pull up - Id half wake up and say "Hahahh theres no school today!" and roll right back over and go to sleep."

Thats just what I did today.

Hope all is well out there. I think Ill start back to the writing tomorrow. Two storms at once...wow.

"Wouldnt that be somethin?"

New Hurricane?

Look at the right hand side of your screen - the live feed from the National Hurricane Center shows a new hurricane (!) brewing. Still pretty far away - but seeing the cycle begins again always makes me smile downstairs. Yes, downstairs.

We shall see what we shall see. I wonder if Ill acquire the balls to contact Event One, because I still havent. I wonder if I will get to finish cleaning AMR's room this Monday. I wonder if I will get to see it rain this week. I wonder if I will call STM drunk one day - that one Im sure of.

Glad KG is back from the beach safe.

Quantifying When

In the past, but not too recently, I used to ask people close to me why they loved me. Usually I asked this to very close friends. The only reason I asked them is because, even now, I can pinpoint the exact reason (there are about a dozen or so) why I love the people I do. I haven't had much success in getting other people to tell me what I did that was so awesome to bring them into perpetual orbit in my life.

Im still haunted by the actions Ive had in my life in the past four years and the post BML has on his page. I have made it my life's work to keep people around when I turn around, it has worked out that I ran them all away. Some of them needed to go - and I needed to go too.

Let me say this. If you are with people you care about, and you start to feel uncomfortable around them because of what they do - as habit - get new friends. I dont mean like out of your comfort zone learning uncomfortable. Im talking making you feel either like a) their kid, b) the awkward bystander in their needless arguments, or c) question why you are they way you are rather than just accepting you for your goods and bads.

As I said before, I know Ive fucked up before - shit we all have. Take it or leave it I say. If I need to get left, so be it. Just like something ABS said the other day, "After making do with what I had over the past year, I can make it on anything."

Thanks a lot for all the following and reading. I have enjoyed hearing from all of you. Thanks for reading my drama and taking it in stride. If you see your initials here, dont fret. I love you too.

Past or Future - Both Matter.

Since MAB and I had our exchange, I have to say that most of what is on my mind has nothing to do with the past. This surprises me beyond expectation. I look forward to so many things - incoming storm fronts, Halloween, Friday Night Raids, meals (no shocker). Whenever I think of friends tho, it has been for as long as I can remember, how things were and never about how things will be. I have been fixated on how the past molds the future as if it were a concrete slab.

I have considerable difficulty moving beyond the fact that some people move on for good. Maybe they do. I got a note in my Facebook message box today...it has been in my mind since - and sitting here in my rainy day spot - since its really coming down - I have to say the external validation has arrived. Even though most of us have screwed up in the past, I am pretty sure that most people who read this consider themselves good friends. The kind of friends who listen and support even when they dont agree.

Maybe some people are just so afraid of the uncertainty of the future they prefer the security of analyzing the past. Making sure that whatever comes along, they are not destined to repeat the mistakes of days gone by. Theres value in that. I guess I just got paralyzed by it...I still am. At least now I can try to fix that issue.

Its almost time to write again. Dare to think about what that experience will be like. Heres to some more meterological motivation and more rain.

"The only thing dead at my party was the salisbury steak!"

For those of you who know me well, you know I just cant stop watching the old Match Game PM reruns on Game Show Network. SNL did a skit a couple years back and it still puts me in stitches.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/19687/saturday-night-live-its-a-match?c=Comedy/Sketch#s-p76-sr-i1

((about 1:15 in))

Just beyond funny. Thought Id drop it in since today has been full (of it.) of reflections and deep thoughts.

Reforming in the Gulf

The blog mentioned the remnants of Tropical Storm Colin dissipating over Louisiana last weekend. Guess what? After an odd move south, (see a couple blog posts back), it is about to redevelop. That LONG slow rain thats been missing all year may indeed make its way here, and none too soon.

If I can just settle on this rewrite, take less Xanax, and do the Wii fit once a day, this whole idea of tomorrow over yesterday may work. Tho, God knows, Im still gonna need a shit load of therapy. At least we get BBC America now and Doctor Who is back on Saturdays. Its really the little things...

Looking ahead without forgetting behind

Once again, the student becomes the master. Of all the little brothers Ive claimed over the years, Im awfully proud of one in ATL. The road ahead is completely and totally uncertain. I have no idea where it will take me or where I will end up. There are fifteen or so people I want to split a handle of whiskey with. Of those fifteen, there are five or so Id like to meet at a beach, preferably Myrtle Beach, SC for a weekend.

Those five people (not to leave anyone out but Im pretty sure they know who they are already) - just sit on the deck of the Hurl Rock and watch the people go by. Just one evening - wind surf and weird people.

Thats one look ahead without forgetting what was behind.

Thanks Mancub, you are the best.

When you make your own bed, you lie in it

For the record, everything that has happened to me and around me since 1989 or so has been of my own choosing. I take personal responsibility for where I am now. There was a time, and maybe thats still now, that I worried endlessly about who I was and how Id be perceived. I still get that twinge in my stomach when I see or hear from someone in my past.

MAB is right to say when you move on, so do others. Maybe that quote from MBL was right after all. I dont lament the past or wonder what could have been. I made some crappy choices and here I am. I wouldnt change them, as I think Ive learned more from fucking up than I would have if everything was smooth sailing.

I will simply counter the MAB statement with this. Before I left, dropped off the face of the Earth, vanished from society, moved off the grid - whatever youll call it --- the other person did it first. If not, at least I got the distinct message to move on from them first. Dont misunderstand the point I am trying to make. It can be easier to just disappear than have to sit through the hard truth that things youve done suck or have disappointed others. The disappearance admits that disappointment.

There are just a few folks out there that I do miss. Missing them doesnt change the present. I asked a very certain friends what was better - the cold hard truth or a really good lie. I know Im too afraid of the truth to ask.

Let it be said I know my failings. Constructive critism is appreciated and welcome. Beating a dead horse however, is not.

Facebook Chat Etiquette

The chat bar on Facebook is somewhat unnerving. Names of people Ive known for a while come and go online and offline. Some of them Ive wanted to speak to - some more than others. Then I think, well, they can see my name too. Most dont EVER speak. Those are the people I usually want to talk to most. Even if its nothing more than just to check in or share a joke, it would be nice to hear from people once in a while. Especially since they can see that you are just as online and available as you are.

I think it sends a signal that they dont want to talk to you - or theyd say hello first. OR it could be that they are just SO monstrously busy that there is no time to drop a simple sentence or note to keep in touch.

I could say something like "expletive" off - instead Ill just say Hurrah! Egocentrism!

Yeah, Im kinda bitter about it.

On the Illusion of Original Thought

"We are nothing but echoes. We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own, we are but a compost heap made up of the decayed heredities, moral and physical."

-Mark Twain

Reading the posts of the past week, I realized that most of them start with "I" and even had matching titles for two of my seventy-one entries thus far. I do my best to be original and creative. Ive been reading a John Grisham novel just to make sure that Im not a terrible writer. Turns out - Im mediocre - which is ok - its better than being outright crappy.

I very much enjoy publishing my thoughts. I used to think blogging was a complete waste of time but continue to find great solace in the process.

Im also watching Family Guy and while Seth MacFarlane can be controversial, he is VERY bright and has a great writing style.

Have a good week everyone and look out for bad weather - half and half chance every day through Thursday.

Pet product marketing at a new low

Earlier, I was just looking at the bag of dog treats my housemates got for our pet. Being bored, I read the package and didnt see anything out of the ordinary UNTIL I got to the end of the bag. My hand to God the feeding instructions on this bag of Pup-peroni reads...

"Feed as a snack to have more special moments with your dog."

For the Love of Mary, seriously? Thats the best the marketing people could come up with? Get real. I suppose the scary piece of this is that there are people out there who read that and say "Awww" and throw a treat at their dog.

One more thing - you are NOT a pet parent. Angels and Ministers of Grace defend us. That is a serious all time low. I realize you love your pet, but you are best suited to parent members of your own species. Pet parent. Wow. As MBW would say , "Thats just beyond the pale." Sorry Caprice - I know you love your dogs.

The Uncertainty Principle - Take Two

You can tell how fast you are going but not where you are - or vice versa - at least thats the basis for the uncertainty principle. You cant ever have all the facts. Almost always, you have to look at what you have in front of you - and the rest - well - thats guess work. I just looked at the hurricane forecast for the Atlantic.

About a week ago, there was a little tropical storm in the Gulf of Mexico. It moved inland and that was about all she wrote concerning that disturbance...

...until...

...while it doesnt happen typically, the remnants of that storm are moving back out to sea! Even though there is just a 30% chance that it will redevelop, it dawned on me that things arent over - til theyre over. Uncertainty rules, and sometimes that uncertainty is just delicious.

Its raining here at the moment - slow and steady with NO wind at all. I believe Ill turn on the fan and just sit here with a nice Fresca (yes, I like Fresca - dont laugh) and think.

Fifteen minutes can save you...

The new Geico commercials are funny...not so much so as the Progressive commercials with Flo. I think Flo is a great spokes person for any company. Just about everyone likes a smart lady with answers. I know a couple and its one essential thing to have around in a crisis. If you want something done right, just have a lady do it.

Every Executive Officer I ever had as Chancellor was a woman. Women are better leaders and organizers, in my opinion. I see all these women I am friends with on Facebook and read some of their posts - and Ill say that Im really glad that I havent made any of them mad. Hell hath no fury, remember.

I keep hearing bangs upstairs. Mind you, its almost one a.m. and there are two eleven year olds up there doing God knows what. Believe it or not, the radar is showing a large echo moving north of all directions toward the house. Maybe tonight will have a little shower before its all said and done.

A few people are on vacation at the beach and I hope they are doing well. Aliens is on Spike and I have no intention of going too far. My sister's birthday was today and all indications were that she had a great time. I still see her sometimes as the 9 year old in the Easter dress swinging on the old playset in our back yard on Faircrest Drive. Way to go, ASWD - if you see this.

The long dog days of summer are rolling past. Before you know it, fall will be on us. I wont be complaining - some of the best weather to see happens in the early Autumn - right about the first couple weeks of October. Until later today, I hope all is well out there in cyber space and that you each take care of yourselves.

The story continues to be written - first draft done soon.

I still miss STM and TAH.

Quiet - - before the storm

So it was very quiet today. Nothing much to report. I will say that the story is coming along. Enjoy that moment, gentle readers, that moment you experience JUST before you drift off to sleep. Im just about to experience it myself...and I hope its as amazing for you as it is for me.

Tomorrow holds more. I think my mood is improving and Ill be able to write again. I hope so - I hate being droopy.

Something is just off tonight

I cant put my finger on it. This storm is just amazing. Great sounds and sights to behold - and I am just not feeling it at all.

Having a thing is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. Ive said it before. Tonight its true. I wish I was more in tune - maybe Im just having one of those self-pity moments. I need GunnySergeant to tell me to get over myself being mamby pamby (circa the new Geico commercial). I started to think maybe Im just lonely but my house mates are just upstairs.

I need to be more content and less upset about things that arent - rather than glad about the things that are. Hows that for cryptic? Maybe the longer I sit here near the rain, the more content Ill be. Nothing works unless you do, JPA says. Happiness comes by doing - so I better get my fat ass to work, before I DO get old.

Thanks for the rain, Pop. It was magnificent.

Just when you least expect it

I had no idea it was about to rain here. I thought I heard some thunder and looked at the radar. It looked again as if the storm would move north of us and nothing would happen here. Hoping for a FEW minutes of rain, I came down to the garage and opened the door. That was at 9:14. It is now ten after ten in the evening. The rain continues to come down - not torrential or even sideways. Just straight down - rain. A lightning show in the distance with accompanying thunder is ever present. The National Weather Service radar shows a renewing (at the moment anyway) line of storms in western Stokes County just flowing southeast toward us.

Nonstop. Rain. Thunder. Lightning. Light Wind.

The story elements are all in place. Im just writing them down - and listening to JPA talk business.

I wonder what Colorado is like this time of year. I miss STM.

The Light of Other Days

I started looking for a story I wrote some ten years ago about a recurring dream I have had; though I havent had it lately. I lost it.

So, I am going to give it a redux. Its title is from a Arthur C. Clarke novel about mankind achieving the ability to look into the past into the lives of others so anyone can have ubiquitous knowledge of anyone else...no more privacy.

My story is about MY own mysterious tremendium - as we have discussed here previously. It may take a few days and drafts to finish but I will post it when its ready - if I still have the balls to do so...or I may just email it to a couple of you and get a reaction before I do.

I missed you all - thanks for looking for the updates.

141, 237, 330, and 474

Read this link...

Find those numbers.

I thought of many of you when I saw them - and they matter most to me.

474 especially - you guys are mine.

Whether Weather is Wiser than Me

I noticed this evening that there are three areas of concern in the Atlantic Basin. One tropical depression off the west coast of Florida, a miniscule piece of rain near the Windward Islands and a red zone moving toward the Bahamas and the east coast of The Sunshine State.

At the same time, I have heard from a number of people I didn't expect to hear from today. Unfortunately, Event One was not one of those people. Alas, things never seem to happen the way you might want them to. You have to take what you are given and go with it. This leads me to ask whether or not you can really go home again. This metaphor has given me pause for thought in the past but sometimes you might want to ask if you actually want to visit home again. Situations might be better elsewhere - since my house DID miss a pretty nice thunderstorm by about 9 miles today.

Dont get me wrong. Since July 4th - Ive seen some truths I didnt expect. Ive talked to people I didnt expect Id talk to. Ive had some pretty insightful conversations and Ive seen Are You Being Served? roll over back to its first episode in syndication. What happens next? Ive asked this in a couple posts before. Chief Ambassador Emeritus Alexander enlightened all of us when she asked The Question of the Ages.

Maybe Ben Affleck said it best...(which would astonish all of us)...but he said...(and guess the movie)

"Sometimes the people we meet change us forever. I've never forgotten ___________ (and you can put your name here) and I'm pretty sure I never will. Wherever [she is] you are, I really hope you are [she's] happy. In the end, all you can do is commit to the people you love, hope for a little luck, and some good weather."

Maybe Mother Nature is wiser than me, wiser than us all - its been my experience that she comes through when you really need her to. I think Ill enjoy the good weather - and wait for a little rain...like I always do.

Two Days or a Week

I went to visit a pal of mine and his family - leaving the house for the first time in a while. I had a very good time. Ive acquired a new nick name and am posting the picture here. Settling back into the house...and Ill have more later. Thanks for missing me, JPA. As for the rest of you, sit back - Im thinking and deciding the next post.

As for now...the new me...

Going out...

After a most gracious invitation, I have decided to get out of the house and dine at the home of the Regenthals this evening. I may not post again until tomorrow - which will be odd for me as posting is usually the last thing I do before bed. I know Amber and Philip's will be fun. Good conversation and good times.

I hope everyone had an excellent and to Andrew, if youre reading this from England - have a pint for me.

My Three Followers

I was looking at the right side of my blog just now and realized that I have three followers. What struck me most is that they are from what I consider the three periods of my life. Growing up is represented by my longest-known friend The Right Honorable Karen Blackburn. We have been friends since about second grade - and that was a long time ago indeed. College friends are represented by my good friend Madame President (of the WCU Honors College) Emeritus Adrianne Overbay (nee' Kirby)...we met in about 1998 at Western Carolina. Finally, representing the Fraternity Age is none other than Prime Minister Andrew B. Slike, KT - someone I initiated in 2007.

I know that there are others who read this blog and Im very glad to have you all along for the ride. For now at least, these are the three who have clicked "Follow" on the right hand side of the screen. A man is more than the sum of his readers - oh wait - thats memories. This man is the sum of a lot of Big Mac's and Doctor Who.

Later on, whether weather will wait and perhaps another treatise or two.

Deep Impact - No, I mean the movie...

Holy crap - I caught the last 15 minutes of Deep Impact. I should have listed this movie among the Over The Edge post. Not because this is a cinematic triumph - the movie itself was ok. The message preachy and the explosions large. I remember something BML told me the last time I was in Murray. He tapped me in the chest and said five words - nothing too mushy - but I forgot them. I should have remembered that while some things change - others dont.

Tomorrow is another day - with new challenges. Fear not though, my gentle readers. I'll always be right here.

Hope Springs Eternal

Far far out in the Atlantic, a mass of clouds and rain moves westward and begins to spin thanks to the Coriolis Effect. Even though the destructive power of hurricanes is horrific on a personal scale, as they begin to wind down - the massive amount of slow rainfall is just unbelievable. I think I know why I love the rain so much - at least one reason.

When it rains, plans get changed. Back up ideas come into play more easily. Opportunities to spend meaningful time together with people you love get pushed up...and that harmonious sound of the falling precipitation on the roof of where you happen to be just lulls your souls into a deep slumber away from worry and care.

You know what feels better than the most amazing love? Getting a second chance to find it again - after you thought you lost it - for anyone - whether agape, philia, eros, storge, or whatever YOU want to call it. Getting a second chance captures imagination - since it rarely happens.

Hope springs eternal...

Its just the way things happen

There seems to be a natural flow to the normal life. Starting out in school, then college, job, meeting wife/husband, marriage, birth of children and so on. This tide seems to wash in and out as nature intended. I dont want to come across like Im upset that people get engaged or married. I think it is wonderful that people can find someone so compatible and accepting that they can live together for as long as they draw breath.

I think Im realizing how selfish I am and wishing I wasnt. Sometimes being in the house is so much easier, and sometimes it just makes me realize how much Ive lost. Losing things just makes me incredibly less likely that Id risk losing again. I wish it was as easy as deleting a program or erasing a pencil mark. Its just the way things happen and I have to get on board. If I dont, Ill get out of the way and never try to cross the street again.

Someone just posted...

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out."

So Ill just sit here - watch Being Human on BBCA - wait for Bruce to level up to meet me - and make the best out of the way things happen.

Into the Great Beyond

Yes, one of my great flaws is reading too much into things. I recognize it. I watched 'Haven' tonight - as I usually do. There is a remarkable unspoken dialogue going on between Nathan and Duke. Something happened a long time ago and neither of them really talk about it. They have this mutual screw you attitude going on - but in moments that call for emotion, the one that comes about seems to be regret. Ha. Color me appropriate on that one.

I regret a lot of things. A post on that topic would ramble on for DAYS. Most of you that can see this blog already know the biblical amount of screw ups Ive had in my time. The phone call didnt happen. I am too caught up in my own worry about what may lurk beneath any surface - be it emotional, spiritual, or my karma caught up to me.

The only thing I can read into that episode of 'Haven' tonight (which if you havent seen you might consider DVRing it) - and my own current situation - remains simple. Where do I fit in to the scheme of things with so much time past? If time changes people and situations, then where do I belong in the lives of people I missed as I moved along my own way? PGR tells me that I am all I need. I see the truth in that. Sometimes in want but never in need is a really decent place to be.

Sometimes, when I want, I know exactly what that want is. Yesterday I said having a thing is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. That statement, no matter how logical, has no bearing on trying to recreate that perfect moment. Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not its ending. Serenity should be sought out - especially if it soothes the soul and gives strength.

I know Ive said a lot here, and rightfully so. When I do get the nerve up to get a hold of Event One - Im hoping I get a different response to the look Duke shot Nathan tonight outside the Grey Gull. And since I try to have pithy dialogue here - tying this post into the last one about Dad - Ill say this to those gentle readers out there.

I am not my father. I am my father's son. I have many of the same likes and dislikes and yes, some of the same flaws too. I said once that my Dad was a real son of a bitch. He didn't always hit the mark, but his heart was in the right place - and he was always there for me when i REALLY needed him. Dirty Martini told me tonight that I was a good friend...and so did PGR. Those two people know me pretty well, and for anyone Ive let down before - it wasnt intentional. I think anyone who knows me at all knows Id never intentionally fuck someone over...

...sometimes my fear just gets in the way.

Looking like your Dad

For those of you who knew Benjamin David Whitaker (March 4, 1945 - January 24, 1996), the picture of me in the last post looks INCREDIBLY scary in relation to Dad. For those of you who dont, let me reinforce the statement that the older we get, the more we look (and act) like our parents.

I told Brandon Farmer once that I was really glad I knew his Dad. It was like looking into the future of being friends with him. Gene Farmer is a funny, smart, great guy to hang out with and a good parent...just like Brandon was destined to become. They even worked in the same field (at least for a while).

I dont mind looking like my Dad. My only worry is that if I am built like my Dad, I have 10 years left to live. Guess I need to lay off the Big Mac's...

...and thanks for everyone who liked the beard. Too prickly - - goatee seems much cooler.

Yes -- The Beard...

Only 4 people have seen it in person - the rest of you have to settle for these 2 photos. Unfortunately, the beard is now a goatee - those pictures tomorrow.

Doing the thing that makes you most scared

Surprisingly, Tropical Storm COLIN has reemerged from a near zero chance of redevelopment. Even though he is coming no where close to land, it seems as if he has come back nonetheless. At least some surfers can enjoy nice waves for a couple days.

Its not so much that the storm came back to life as it parallels a question Ive been pondering. Once again, answered by today's PGR visit.

That phone call Ive been putting off happens tomorrow. For good or ill, at least I know I followed the instinct for once...instead of the ole' brain...which does nothing good whatsoever.

Picture of the beard tomorrow - and then shaving...if anyone is paying attention.

Anticipation or Disappointment

Today Philip came by and shot the bull for an hour or so. It was very cool to have him here just to talk about old times and nothing really important. Now, the rain is coming down for the second time today and I'm left wondering.

Spock said once that having a thing is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It isnt logical but its almost always true. Im pretty sure everyone that reads this thing knows that Im only after a couple things in this life. Being included as an equal, some security (ok, a lot of it), and walking up happy. Money, career, and power can really be excluded from all that except for the ability to go to the beach once a year is prohibited without a decent bit of income.

So Im left wondering...am I better off sitting here; well taken care of mind you, house to live in, food, recreation, good friends - or do I make the next step to looking again for that mysterious thing...elusive - and hope that I dont screw it up like old times. I gotta tell you sometimes its a lot easier to be a hermit.

The rain keeps comin today - one line after another. I cant say I dislike it. Its pretty amazing. It was HOT earlier - now - 77 and rain...with more on the way.

As a follow up to a post

"Everybody's got something thats annoying to someone else" - R. Bruce Boughman, OBE

Ok, this is correct - at least in my experience. Earlier in the blog posts, youll see a pretty negative post from me. I think whats listed above is more to the point I was trying to reach.

Can you give an example of one thing you like and dislike about me? and yourself?

Im interested in what I get back.

Video One

OK - my first one - -

A-ha - The Sun Always Shines on TV
(Very 80's - a follow up to "Take On Me")

Im playing keyboards - and as for my part - Id create a friend trying to comfort the really attractive female and seeing if we could bring the lead singer back from the odd-black-and-white-scribble world.

Anyone else?

My Own Music Video

Just saying - tonight's post comes from the mind of the brilliant and sometimes dry humor of Dr. Ryan Cox.

If you were in one of those videos - you know the kind where there is an interesting story set up but then the other half of the video is on stage with the lights and fireworks (perhaps even one of those concert flashes now and again)...answer these two questions...

What would the song be and what role would you play in both the video and the band?

OK this one is harder than I anticipated. I was expecting this not to have this much trouble but I am having sensory overload. Give me a little while to consider this and put your own thoughts in as well. Im sure Dr. Cox will be checking in fairly soon.

Weird Dreams and the like

I know everyone has had some funky dreams before. Mine of late have been just odd. I cant usually remember them after a couple hours of being awake and Im usually too groggy to write them down upon waking. I just wanted to relate that seeing Lassie drive a Jeep (in color) and having a Russian war criminal who was a logging mogul have the cast of some very odd remake of the Real World over for a reunion special has been a little disconcerting.

It rained this morning and I didnt even see it coming. I was awoken by the sound of rain beating against the front door. More expected today but man - if rain is going to sneak up on me - I wonder what the heck else is out there Im not expecting...good or bad.

"Its never the stuff you see coming...its always the stuff that you NEVER expect that really ruins your day." - DAW

Wonder what BSJ is doing today?

What a difference A Day Makes...

So, three days ago, the forecast was for this new Tropical Storm (Colin) to gather strength gradually and move parallel to the East Coast. Tonight, the National Hurricane Center tells us that this mass of clouds and rain will lose almost all its potential and just die out as an open tropical wave about five hundred miles south of Bermuda.

I worry that the thrill of finding old friends come anew will come to the same fate. I guess Im looking at it this way. If you leave something in the hamper long enough, provided its not completely foul, a teeshirt becomes pretty much wearable again. Not such a great comparison perhaps, but I have to say that finding friends I hadnt seen in a decade again felt a lot like that - anything I had fucked up had pretty much come out in the washing machine of events called time.

Theres a larger point Im trying to stay away from here. Im not sure I can properly articulate it - and I have given the matter thought over a couple days. Im working on it...Ill preview it by saying I need to capture the essence of this video - in words.

Any suggestions?

A Post from the desk of Bruce Boughman

While playing World of Warcraft is something I enjoy - My roommate (and me too for that matter) is wondering if any of you play WoW? We could surely use some folks to create our own guild - minus all of those annoying WoW nerds and teenage smartasses.

If you play, and would like to get into the experience more, hop on Draka server and send a pvt message to Hytiereon.

For the Alliance.

Intertropical Convergence Zone

Im at a loss to describe whats going on in my head today. I have been catching up with an important person in my life and reading up on the notes he posts for me. I have not been totally surprised but my thoughts have been turning back toward old friends - before I had even stepped foot on the campus of WCU.

Dont mistake me here - 1997-2004 - those times were amazing and made me who I am today. I dont regret them or (just about) anything I did in that time span. I do wonder what life would have been like if I had just stayed in Winston and never went to Western to begin with. I still feel as inadequate at times as I did then. The only difference is that I can compose a 10 page paper on it with correct citations.

Beyond those thoughts tho, I find myself wondering why people come and go. Ive tried to pinpoint where it was that some of the people I loved moved away from my central focus. No luck so far. Ill keep at it though.

In weather news, Tropical Depression 4 has arrived in the ITCZ. Heres hoping a nice LONG rainmaker comes this way.

Revelation

I enjoyed the beer Saturday - even though there are a couple things I dont remember doing. Its a good thing I stay home, on the couch, when I drink. I could get into all sorts of things I have no business doing. I also found out the beer I had (Busch Ice - on sale) is what was referred to as "coma beer". I conclude that is because it has a higher alcohol content that other beers. Still 11 of those felt like 24 Bud Lights...
...so needless to say that at least one thing to come from Saturday is that I now have a new favorite beer.

Reconnecting with old friends still makes me panicky. Im not sure why but seeing old faces and what the years have done (or not done) to them very much freaks me out. I havent been off the couch today - I think its fairly safe and unobtrusive here. I will most likely remain here for another hour before venturing out into the rest of the house.

I really had a great time with Philip and Amber last night. Their kids are great and the pizza too. I hope all the reconnections go as well - though I wonder about that.

Maybe some Revelations are for the best.

Ten beers into it...success!

I have talked to PD, Amber, Brian, Keith, Caprice, and Steve. Holy shit. I need to drink more often!

I have seen the ENTIRE range of emotion from open weeping to anger to laughing out loud. The afternoon draws to a close and the experiment was a success. Deep down, I had really hoped to talk to the best parts of myself. I did! Someone up there is looking after me for sure.

Nonetheless, I am still sitting here by myself in the garage waiting for the rain to start again. What happens now? What the hell am I supposed to do after all this revelation?

I am but a single person among the seven billion on this Earth to draw breath. Do my needs outweigh any others? No. Absolutely not. There are so many starving and without any help whatsoever. Those people need more help than I would ever need.



The silence sets in tho - no wind - no rain - just quiet contemplation.

There is expectation of more rain later - and with it - the hope of yet a new beginning.

The OC - this post is for one person...

You know who you are... ( pick it up at 7:37 if you want to move past the lead to)

and holy crap - who knew a case of beer would solve two years of worry, pain, and uncertainty?

I still think of this EVERY time it rains - - - - and I wonder if I made the right choice?

Was it even my choice to make?

According to you, I did the right thing.

Only time will tell.

Remember Laura - - - - Who knows what the future will bring? Even now - - - - a new future could emerge...

I will wait and see...

One More Mr. Humphries post

So Im sitting here watching it rain, and Im watching 'Are You Being Served?' excerpts. Nothing makes me laugh like Mr. Humphries and I have no idea why. The 70's/80's humor - BRITISH humor at that - is canned and campy. John Waters would have a field day. John Inman, the incredible actor who portrayed him for so many years, said that there was no talk of Mr. Humphries being camp at all.

What is camp anyway? Im sure the gentle readers who follow this stream of thought haven't the faintest idea. According to Wikipedia, my favorite reference, states...

"Camp is an aesthetic sensibility wherein something is appealing because of its bad taste and ironic value. The concept is closely related to kitsch, and things with camp appeal are described as being "campy" or "cheesy". When the usage appeared, in 1909, it denoted: ostentatious, exaggerated, affected, theatrical, and effeminate behaviour, and, by the middle of the 1970s, the definition comprised: banality, artifice, mediocrity, and ostentation so extreme as to have perversely sophisticated appeal.^[1]"

I LOVE CAMPY!! If I'm Mr. Humphries - then I am the true personification of camp. Hell, you people know me...am I?

This is only a test - but for real

I've decided on this rainy (yay me!) Saturday, I am going to try an experiment. I have a 12 pack of Busch Ice in the fridge and I am going to post this (sober) and then in about five hours, I am going to post again - with those 12 cans empty inside me.

I hope to prove that my posts are either better sober or better drunk. You be the judge - beer # 2 is going in now. No lunch.

...let the games begin.

The And Credit

Just about every television show or movie has a certain kind of opening credits. There is ALWAYS the "Starring" credit. That's someone who completely moves the story along and without them - nothing worth watching happens. Sometimes there are two or three actors who 'star' in the show. Then, another favorite, comes the "Also Starring". I envision those folks as comic relief, dramatic support, or happy role that accompanies the star. They're quirky, naive, and occasionally hate-able.

The third credit that should be included in this post is the "With" credit. This person can be absolutely anyone from cameo appearance of a former star to just a person who comes on screen a couple of times but has some influence on the piece. This isnt always the case. Babylon 5 regular Peter Jurasik (as G'Kar) had the aforementioned credit and his character was central to just about every episode.

Now, the crux of the post, the all-famous and fun "And" quote. My two favorites are "And Martin Sheen" from The West Wing and "And Judi Dench" as the kickass M from the new James Bond movies.

The And credit is awarded to that actor who, when they come onto the scene, captures all the action, suspense, and nuance from any the other players. Think about it - how many 'and' actors you really enjoy?

Ive asked a ton of people which credit they want. As for me, I want...

"And Dave Whitaker as the Chancellor Emeritus" Damn, I really love the way that looks.

The Mysterium Tremendum - A Memoir Version

The post you (may) have been waiting for. Some material comes from the work "The Idea of the Holy".

According to Otto, the numinous experience has two aspects: mysterium tremendum, which is the tendency to invoke fear and trembling; and mysterium fascinans, the tendency to attract, fascinate and compel.

A few years back I was helping someone with a philosophy paper. While reading the background material, I came across an interesting passage I have fixated on ever since.

I have had this conversation with a select few of you. I have been in search of the perfect moment for a very long time. Ive actually experienced a version of it - a couple times. Once on the banks of the Tuckaseegee River in East LaPorte, North Carolina and once in the college town of Murray, Kentucky. ((This line of thought will contradict later sentences - just go with it.))

A philosopher believes that man (and woman) moves through life looking for the perfect moment. This moment transcends every other moment in their respective lives. The moment evokes a true surreal experience and fills the soul with a true and absolute serenity. This philosopher believes that man (or woman) lives the rest of their lives trying to recreate this moment. It is incredibly rare to experience it again - the intensity of the emotion - because, as he puts it, its not like the first time.

I have posted earlier this week about not being able to go home again. I have dreamed about this moment. Ive written short stories about it. I know one of the people who keeps showing up in that dream. I can picture the moment with stark clarity. Having actually experiences two versions of it - I can completely relate to this philosophy. I have spent a very long time and expended a great deal of personal, spiritual, and emotional capital to get back to that place. Just like the Nexus in Star Trek Generations, unfortunately is its not something you can reach without destroying the things youre traveling in at the time.

After I read that passage in the philosophy outside the old Helder Hall (which is no more - having been replaced last year), I came away with the thought that you just cant get back to the moment that made you feel most alive. Sure, there are other moments and new people who bring you hysterically close to it. In the end, the moment just isnt the same.

Should you simply live in the memories as you age and relish them as treasured moments OR should you try to create your own future moments that COULD exceed the ones you had before?

"Stars were falling deep in the darkness
as prayers rose softly, petals at dawn
And as I listened, your voice seemed so clear
so calmly you were calling your god


Somewhere the sun rose, o'er dunes in the desert
such was the stillness, I ne'er felt before
Was this the question, pulling, pulling, pulling you
in your heart, in your soul, did you find rest there?


Elsewhere a snowfall, the first in the winter
covered the ground as the bells filled the air
You in your robes sang, calling, calling, calling him
in your heart, in your soul, did you find peace there?"

Even when the moment is over, living inside that setting can truly bring you peace. I know all of you have had the same experience as me, whether you have given it a moment's thought or not. When you close your eyes tonight - picture it and relish it and claim that perfect moment for your own.

Truth is subjective

I wasnt acutely aware of it until just now, but it seems like all truth is subjective. What I mean to say is that no matter what evidence is given in a particular argument, the truth of is subject to belief or disbelief based solely on the perception of the individual viewing that proof. Im pretty sure lawyers and students of law know this already. Perhaps thats why the instruction is beyond a shadow of doubt or just the "just more likely than not" standard Dean McHargue taught us in Hearing Board.

No matter - the only thing I got out of last nights post is a headache and feeling like my own truth and activities and actions dont matter to anyone but me. Feels like no matter any circumstance - whether it be educational background, club participation, leadership opportunities - if someone tells you that experience is meaningless - it is - at least to them. The only reason the participation matters is if it helps you deal with the world around you.

I feel like all the things Ive done since 1997 have given me a set of tools to deal with the world. Granted, I freak out a lot and curl up in a ball because I get incredibly frightened at things. Nonetheless, I know I have acquired a number of skills that allow me to understand why things work or at least be able to show proof as to why.

I operated on the premise that it mattered what I could prove. Apparently, that premise is flawed. It only matters what I feel. Proof seems to be irrelevant. Only passion in argument matters. Yes, I am drawing an extreme parallel here. At the moment though, that is my truth.

The truth that if you believe someone else is better than you, they are. And if you dont, then they dont. If the proof is in the pudding, that pudding tastes like crap and has been out on the counter too long.

Just curious and I do need some feedback here

At first, I was going to ask whether or not I was a total asshole to people. Do I really come across as a know-it-all? I like being a good reference for people. One of the things I have prided myself on is being an almanac of information. Apparently, that comes across as being a smart ass uppity brain - especially to the people who are in closest proximity to me.

I have recently been called more of a follower than a leader. I have had leadership positions before. I enjoyed those experiences - I thought they made me a better person. Certainly, I have failed and succeeded - as I though most leaders did. I thought I even had a leadership style I could define and explain. My own self-image just seems to be totally incorrect.

After having this explained to me by someone who has known me since Reagan's second term, Ive got some things to say.

First, I am apologetic to anyone who I have offended by being a know-it-all douchebag. I also apologize for being difficult, dramatic, mean spirited, and harsh. The adjective that's been applied most recently is "snippy". (In itself meaning - a chip on my shoulder, attitude, angry, disgusted, etc.)

Second, I can't believe what a completely boorish dolt I have been the past fifteen years. Now, its been explained to me that people cant tell me the truth about me because it will hurt my feelings. Since that's already happened, please dont hold back now. If I am an irritant, tell me. I don't need to be saved from myself. I want to be a better person. I thought most people did.

Third, in the future, if you need to tell me something that I should improve, go ahead and just say it. It will save us both a great deal of frustration afterwards. I am not hostile as I see the situation so the worst that will happen is for me to yell and perhaps cry a little. If you dont have the balls to stand that, then we probably shouldnt be friends in the first place.

When I get comfortable, Ive been told, I get more apt to just say what Im thinking. I hold back and put a happy face on when Im in public - being more socially acceptable; Dr. Bardo would call that the "socially acceptable answer." No one wants to hear about your crappy day when they ask, "How are you today" in the grocery store line. I thought I was as apt to tell someone to go fuck themselves as I would be that they were a nice person.

Your thoughts here, as the genteel reader of this rambling, would be appreciated if your schedules would permit.

I swore I'd NEVER fly into ATL

during the summer again. I DETEST turbulence more than potato salad and an old boss of mine asking for eclectic and difficult things. I flew out of there one summer afternoon and that ascent to ten thousand feet had more bumps than a sixteen year olds face. For the love of Frances, I absolutely HATE flying into that place when its hot out.

I am considering taking a trip to ATL to visit Sam and Kim before October. I have enough Sky Miles to get down there and back for five bucks! So - now - we wait for SOMEONE to decide when her schedule permits a visit.
'
Moving back to an earlier post, I suppose it is possible for people to change. Not inherently, but "time and knowledge" may just alter your perception. For example, if you DIDNT drink in college, but DO now, it could be because of many different reasons. I used to hate coffee but now I love it. I guess you have to develop a taste for that sort of thing. Just like drinking or relaxing a little - you have to slide into it.

Im glad someone I know has lightened up - and I cant wait to get a nice case of Bud Light and talk about old times.

...as long as there is NO turbulence. Otherwise, Ill be drunk when I get there.

Whats better - whiskey drunk or beer drunk?

After some considerable thought - I've decided that I prefer beer drunk to any other drunk Ive had. Tequila drunk makes me VERY hot...like sweating in flip flops in December in the mountains. Vodka drunk is too hangover inducing. Whiskey drunk - well - that in itself causes a great many problems. I have enjoyed the Very Old Barton on occasion - and the Black label Jack Daniels...and the Knob Creek.

When weighed against each other, the beer drunk just feels more appropriate for me. It takes about 5 hours to get nice and tip-of-the-nose-numb drunk. There is nothing more enjoyable than having that feeling of comfortably numbness creeping across your extremities. Not all at once mind you, as whiskey or something as strong or stronger may cause - - but gradually. The journey is half the fun.

Mundane items become laughable or at least bearable. Laughable items become even more enjoyable - but the trick to the whole task is to be gradual...and drink a little water in the end. Oh yes, I also load up with a multivitamin when I begin and just before bed. Seems to work pretty well - in my case anyway.

Beer drunk is the verdict. Bud Light - between 14 and 24 - will do the trick every time.

Thanks for the Angels to Airwaves, Cox. Very nice.

Alternate Realities

Every reality than can happen has happened. At least thats what quantum theorists say. I completely agree with that. I shudder to think what "other" Dave has gotten himself into, out of, involved in, and/or involved with. After the past couple days of finding people I havent seen in a long time, Im beginning to think that I may have dropped into one of those alternate realities.

I realize that I have said that the universe unfolds as it should, and indeed it has been my experience that it does. Of course in an alternate universe, maybe things dont really unfold as they should. Maybe there is a Murphy's Law Universe where you are just screwed from birth and things only go your way rarely. That would suck more than the universe we have now.

It was good to hear from the people I did today. Still working on "The Loremaster" title and boy, is it a bitch. Ill leave with a couple shoutouts to readers...

Caprice - you know, my first car was a Caprice Classic. Just like you --- timeless and classic.

Avola - Sorry the weather control units are down for repair. Good luck with golf.

Regenthals - Cant wait to see you.

Ashley/Drew - Hope you are having a good week. Thanks for not being mad about last weekend.

I hope in this universe those people read this. Of course, they already have / haven't / never met me / are sitting here as I write this.

Man, quantum mechanics can get in the way of things.

Here it comes again

Ah, twice in twelve hours. Man, I must be living right. I talked to Sam last night and I might have a trip to Atlanta in the works. To use (or perhaps overuse) the phrase of late "Wouldn't that be somethin'?"

I also had an enlightened moment last night talking to my old friend. Even though it can sometimes be many months between the times we talk, seems like the foundation of our friendship is as strong as ever. Im very glad some things dont change.

And now that Im not waiting on the rain anymore, or at least for today, I am going to enjoy it. I hope wherever you are, you enjoy yours too.

Special Weather Statement

SPECIAL WEATHER STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE RALEIGH NC
213 PM EDT TUE JUL 27 2010

NCZ021-022-038-039-271915-
DAVIDSON-FORSYTH-GUILFORD-RANDOLPH-
213 PM EDT TUE JUL 27 2010

...STRONG THUNDERSTORMS WILL MOVE ACROSS PARTS OF FORSYTH...
GUILFORD...DAVIDSON AND RANDOLPH COUNTIES THROUGH 315 PM EDT...

AT 213 PM EDT...DOPPLER RADAR INDICATED STRONG THUNDERSTORMS OVER
KERNERSVILLE...OR ABOUT 8 MILES EAST OF WINSTON-SALEM...MOVING EAST
AT 15 MPH.

LOCATIONS IN THE PATH OF THESE STORMS INCLUDE KERNERSVILLE...
COLFAX...JAMESTOWN...GREENSBORO.

HAZARDS INCLUDE...
PEA SIZE HAIL.
GUSTY WINDS OF 30 TO 40 MPH.

Dont give up JUST yet

And someone is going outside to watch... The universe unfolds as it should..

AND Star Trek V is on HDNet. It really is the little things...

Special Weather Statement

SPECIAL WEATHER STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE RALEIGH NC
1149 PM EDT MON JUL 26 2010

NCZ021-022-038-039-270500-
DAVIDSON-FORSYTH-GUILFORD-RANDOLPH-
1149 PM EDT MON JUL 26 2010

...STRONG THUNDERSTORMS MOVING INTO THE PIEDMONT TRIAD REGION...

AT 1146 PM EDT...DOPPLER RADAR INDICATED STRONG THUNDERSTORMS
EXTENDING FROM EAST BEND TO HIGH ROCK LAKE MOVING NORTHEAST AT 15
MPH. THESE STORMS EXTEND THE LENGTH OF THE YADKIN RIVER FROM YADKIN
COUNTY SOUTH THROUGH THE HIGH ROCK LAKE AREA OF DAVIDSON COUNTY.
THEY WILL BE MOVING ACROSS THE YADKIN RIVER AND INTO THE
LEXINGTON... ARCADIA... WELCOME... THOMASVILLE... CLEMMONS AND
WINSTON-SALEM AREAS BETWEEN 1150 PM AND 1215 AM... THEN REACH THE
HIGH POINT AND PTI AIRPORT... AND KERNERSVILLE AREAS BETWEEN 1215 AM
AND 1245 AM.

HAZARDS INCLUDE...
PEA TO PENNY SIZED HAIL.

HAZARDS INCLUDE...
GUSTY WINDS OF 40 TO 50 MPH.

Wouldn't that be somethin'?

I wish I knew that things were going to work out well in the end. I already know the universe unfolds as it should - whether that be in your favor or against it. I'm looking for more of an 'in my favor' ruling than just accepting that things are what they are (and as Harry Swaim says "things aint what they aint)

Thunderstorms tonight - at least thats what the forecast calls for. I think I may wait up and see and hope the medicine doesnt take me to sleep first.

Looks hit and miss on the radar...a striking parallel to the way things go in life.

The best laid plans of mice and men...eh?

Thus says Bruce Boxleitner in the Tron Legacy trailer - at about 0:58 in - and that look on his face...just hoping things would work out...that he would get to see his long lost friend...

Wouldn't that be somethin'?

A Thousand Words Worth - in movie and song

As I build up to the post on the mysterious tremendium, I thought Id take the opportunity to reveal the movies, scenes, or endings that push me right over the emotional edge. Usually, if I need to get in that emotional place to write, and the current state of mood in which I find myself doesn't lend itself to it - these scenes - and their total combination of music, image, and structure - take me there very time. (linkable movie clips are below - just the good parts)

The last 2 minutes of The Shawshank Redemption
The last 8 minutes of The Green Mile
The last 2 minutes of How To Make an American Quilt
The these scenes from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King and this one
This clip from Steel Magnolias - starting at 7:47 (especially the hug at 8:55)

and this - the clip that sent me to look for my ole pal Steve Mitchell - Start it at 8:00

Music? Let me post my "Life CD" - twenty-two songs to make you think of Dave Whitaker

1. Enya - Last Time by Moonlight
   
2. ATB - Here With Me
3. Keane - Everybody's Changing
4. Schiller - Schiller
5. Vertical Horizon - You Say
6. Siouxie and the Banshees - The Ghost In You
7. October Project - Return To Me
8. Enigma - The Cross of Changes
9. Gomez - How We Operate
10. Band of Horses - No One's Gonna Love You More
11. Enya - Caribbean Blue
12. Erasure - Phantom Bride
13. 4 Strings - Let it Rain
14. Madonna - Take a Bow
15. Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek
    
16. David Wilcox - Language of the Heart
17. Conjure One - Center of the Sun
18. A-ha - The Sun Always Shines on TV
19. Alanis Morissette - Everything
20. Andy Williams - Moon River
21. Stabilizers - Tyranny
22. Lindsay Buckingham - Go Insane

This is just a bonus. Whenever I see this, it makes me think that the four people in that car just want to be with each other...quietly. The journey itself is sometimes better than the destination. The look the girl in the front seat gives says "Yeah - Id rather be with you guys."


Ok - its pretty out there and some of the songs are VERY old and cheezy, but they have some sort of sentimental meaning...Ive actually linked most of them so you can see the youtube videos and get a better picture of my tastes (or lack thereof) in music.

...and now you know.

Guess someone wanted to disagree

"Grandma, what if all the good times are already behind me?" - Pugsley Addams
That's life kid. You lose the things you love." - Grandma Addams

Come on, people. Really? I absolutely refuse to believe this kind of nihilist philosophy. Its just insane. There must be some chance for the redemption of things lost. Even Milton wrote Paradise Regained...and while titles dont always tell the whole story - I think he means for us (as people) to focus on the chance to make everything better again.

Now, I will go so far as to say, like trips to Narnia, revisitations of the past happen differently every time. I have this sneaking suspicion that karma is trying to tell me my recent re-discovery of someone isn't going to be what I expect.

Ah, to hell with it. I'm still going to hope for a little redemption in the face of being a huge spazz fuckup.

Looks like a good chance of a storm today. Keep your eyes (and your heart) looking up even though it may not work out.

Yes, Caprice. I still agree with what you said. I cant help it.

Agree to disagree

"Never long for anyone from your past, there is a reason why they never made it to your future."

Someone I admire posted this as a favorite quote. I can see where this quote would make sense. However in light of recent events, I cannot embrace this whatsoever. There may be good reason a person is no longer in your "immediate now" that have no negative connotations at all. I long for quite a few people from my past.

I wish I could keep them all close, the good ones I mean. Certainly, I will heed the underlying meaning about not lamenting the fact that my path has taken me where I am - and that path had led away from some people that I very much loved - and still love. For instance, there is a perfectly delightful spot in western Kentucky I SHOULD have moved to so I wouldn't be just a piece of someone's past.

Keeping your eyes toward the future allows for personal growth. Stunting that growth by wishing for things that cannot BE any longer can be horrible. That feeling of something missing can hold you back. I get it.

BUT...

I can't subscribe to the opinion that leaving old friendships behind simply because they were in the past as a valid one.

You can agree to disagree, as I've said, but I am not changing my mind.

Besides, I found someone from the past recently and it gives me hope - that there can always be new beginnings - even for people like me.

It's Saturday Night!

I've been looking around on Facebook and it seems as though most people are just going to party and have a great time tonight. I can't say that I blame them. I played WoW today, had a good dinner, and now just watching TV. Nothing terribly excited though, but it seems like everyone else I know is having enough fun for most of us.

Glad to hear from Laura today. She is still as amazing as she was eleven years ago. Thanks again for everyone reading this. Tomorrow, a dialogue on the mysterium tremendum.

Too bad about Tropical Storm Bonnie. She sputtered out before making landfall. Perhaps the remnants will show up here in a couple days. This summer heat - let me tell you - is almost unbearable. Makes me miss the winter snow this past January.

The Book about the Pink Dragon

Following up on the last post, this book is about a pink dinosaur who dreams big. He longs for exploring beyond his home. When he finally gets the chance to leave his small bay, exciting adventures ensue. Of course, he realizes that once he leaves - all he wants is to return home. Serendipity, after all, is the state of having what you needed all along right in front of you.

Bullet points? Yeah, here they are.

• Having a thing is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It isn't logical, but it is ALMOST always true.
• Knowing who you really are will bring you happiness. (its in the picture above)
• Like I said last night, the only person who HAS to like you - is you.

I hope you all have a good weekend. I will be back tomorrow with more musings. Thanks for following.

Finishing up this day

I was watching the latest episode of Eureka tonight, and I was moved by the last scene. The long and short of the scene is that one of the main characters broke off a relationship with another one. Carter (the character mentioned) had been dating Erika for a long time. To keep the sci-fi at a minimum here, I will just say that the two of them were star-crossed.

In the end, Carter just said "You can't always be the good guy." Breaking Erika's heart wasn't easy, but Carter knew that the best thing that could happen was to let go. Erika's parting words were "I love you." She was visibly devastated but time heals all wounds. Well, maybe not heal them but make them less tender to the touch. After a while, whatever hurt you had fades to the point that the memory doesn't evoke anything - just a remembrance of a moment best forgotten.

In my case, letting go is one of the things I do badly. I feel like if I let go of someone, I will miss the opportunity to be an excellent friend. Life's Little Instruction Book states, "Be open and accessible. The next person you meet could become your new best friend." To that end, I rarely turn away from anyone - whether I should or not.

After releasing so many things this week, I have to say that I do feel better. Liberated. Less anchored in expectation and more excited to see what reveals itself. At this point, everyone who remains around to read this is someone that makes me feel good about me for no other reason than just enjoying my company.

If anyone ever tells you (in response to the question 'are you coming over?'), "Well, I ain't coming up there for nothin'", its probably best to just move on; even if it really makes a part of you feel empty.

Time heals all wounds, or at least over time you forget what you were missing. Who knows, maybe something better will come along that I didn't know about before. I sure hope so, because that was one person who knew me better than most.