At first, I was going to ask whether or not I was a total asshole to people. Do I really come across as a know-it-all? I like being a good reference for people. One of the things I have prided myself on is being an almanac of information. Apparently, that comes across as being a smart ass uppity brain - especially to the people who are in closest proximity to me.
I have recently been called more of a follower than a leader. I have had leadership positions before. I enjoyed those experiences - I thought they made me a better person. Certainly, I have failed and succeeded - as I though most leaders did. I thought I even had a leadership style I could define and explain. My own self-image just seems to be totally incorrect.
After having this explained to me by someone who has known me since Reagan's second term, Ive got some things to say.
First, I am apologetic to anyone who I have offended by being a know-it-all douchebag. I also apologize for being difficult, dramatic, mean spirited, and harsh. The adjective that's been applied most recently is "snippy". (In itself meaning - a chip on my shoulder, attitude, angry, disgusted, etc.)
Second, I can't believe what a completely boorish dolt I have been the past fifteen years. Now, its been explained to me that people cant tell me the truth about me because it will hurt my feelings. Since that's already happened, please dont hold back now. If I am an irritant, tell me. I don't need to be saved from myself. I want to be a better person. I thought most people did.
Third, in the future, if you need to tell me something that I should improve, go ahead and just say it. It will save us both a great deal of frustration afterwards. I am not hostile as I see the situation so the worst that will happen is for me to yell and perhaps cry a little. If you dont have the balls to stand that, then we probably shouldnt be friends in the first place.
When I get comfortable, Ive been told, I get more apt to just say what Im thinking. I hold back and put a happy face on when Im in public - being more socially acceptable; Dr. Bardo would call that the "socially acceptable answer." No one wants to hear about your crappy day when they ask, "How are you today" in the grocery store line. I thought I was as apt to tell someone to go fuck themselves as I would be that they were a nice person.
Your thoughts here, as the genteel reader of this rambling, would be appreciated if your schedules would permit.
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