Into the Great Beyond

Yes, one of my great flaws is reading too much into things. I recognize it. I watched 'Haven' tonight - as I usually do. There is a remarkable unspoken dialogue going on between Nathan and Duke. Something happened a long time ago and neither of them really talk about it. They have this mutual screw you attitude going on - but in moments that call for emotion, the one that comes about seems to be regret. Ha. Color me appropriate on that one.

I regret a lot of things. A post on that topic would ramble on for DAYS. Most of you that can see this blog already know the biblical amount of screw ups Ive had in my time. The phone call didnt happen. I am too caught up in my own worry about what may lurk beneath any surface - be it emotional, spiritual, or my karma caught up to me.

The only thing I can read into that episode of 'Haven' tonight (which if you havent seen you might consider DVRing it) - and my own current situation - remains simple. Where do I fit in to the scheme of things with so much time past? If time changes people and situations, then where do I belong in the lives of people I missed as I moved along my own way? PGR tells me that I am all I need. I see the truth in that. Sometimes in want but never in need is a really decent place to be.

Sometimes, when I want, I know exactly what that want is. Yesterday I said having a thing is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. That statement, no matter how logical, has no bearing on trying to recreate that perfect moment. Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not its ending. Serenity should be sought out - especially if it soothes the soul and gives strength.

I know Ive said a lot here, and rightfully so. When I do get the nerve up to get a hold of Event One - Im hoping I get a different response to the look Duke shot Nathan tonight outside the Grey Gull. And since I try to have pithy dialogue here - tying this post into the last one about Dad - Ill say this to those gentle readers out there.

I am not my father. I am my father's son. I have many of the same likes and dislikes and yes, some of the same flaws too. I said once that my Dad was a real son of a bitch. He didn't always hit the mark, but his heart was in the right place - and he was always there for me when i REALLY needed him. Dirty Martini told me tonight that I was a good friend...and so did PGR. Those two people know me pretty well, and for anyone Ive let down before - it wasnt intentional. I think anyone who knows me at all knows Id never intentionally fuck someone over...

...sometimes my fear just gets in the way.