Its just the way things happen

There seems to be a natural flow to the normal life. Starting out in school, then college, job, meeting wife/husband, marriage, birth of children and so on. This tide seems to wash in and out as nature intended. I dont want to come across like Im upset that people get engaged or married. I think it is wonderful that people can find someone so compatible and accepting that they can live together for as long as they draw breath.

I think Im realizing how selfish I am and wishing I wasnt. Sometimes being in the house is so much easier, and sometimes it just makes me realize how much Ive lost. Losing things just makes me incredibly less likely that Id risk losing again. I wish it was as easy as deleting a program or erasing a pencil mark. Its just the way things happen and I have to get on board. If I dont, Ill get out of the way and never try to cross the street again.

Someone just posted...

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out."

So Ill just sit here - watch Being Human on BBCA - wait for Bruce to level up to meet me - and make the best out of the way things happen.

Into the Great Beyond

Yes, one of my great flaws is reading too much into things. I recognize it. I watched 'Haven' tonight - as I usually do. There is a remarkable unspoken dialogue going on between Nathan and Duke. Something happened a long time ago and neither of them really talk about it. They have this mutual screw you attitude going on - but in moments that call for emotion, the one that comes about seems to be regret. Ha. Color me appropriate on that one.

I regret a lot of things. A post on that topic would ramble on for DAYS. Most of you that can see this blog already know the biblical amount of screw ups Ive had in my time. The phone call didnt happen. I am too caught up in my own worry about what may lurk beneath any surface - be it emotional, spiritual, or my karma caught up to me.

The only thing I can read into that episode of 'Haven' tonight (which if you havent seen you might consider DVRing it) - and my own current situation - remains simple. Where do I fit in to the scheme of things with so much time past? If time changes people and situations, then where do I belong in the lives of people I missed as I moved along my own way? PGR tells me that I am all I need. I see the truth in that. Sometimes in want but never in need is a really decent place to be.

Sometimes, when I want, I know exactly what that want is. Yesterday I said having a thing is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. That statement, no matter how logical, has no bearing on trying to recreate that perfect moment. Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not its ending. Serenity should be sought out - especially if it soothes the soul and gives strength.

I know Ive said a lot here, and rightfully so. When I do get the nerve up to get a hold of Event One - Im hoping I get a different response to the look Duke shot Nathan tonight outside the Grey Gull. And since I try to have pithy dialogue here - tying this post into the last one about Dad - Ill say this to those gentle readers out there.

I am not my father. I am my father's son. I have many of the same likes and dislikes and yes, some of the same flaws too. I said once that my Dad was a real son of a bitch. He didn't always hit the mark, but his heart was in the right place - and he was always there for me when i REALLY needed him. Dirty Martini told me tonight that I was a good friend...and so did PGR. Those two people know me pretty well, and for anyone Ive let down before - it wasnt intentional. I think anyone who knows me at all knows Id never intentionally fuck someone over...

...sometimes my fear just gets in the way.

Looking like your Dad

For those of you who knew Benjamin David Whitaker (March 4, 1945 - January 24, 1996), the picture of me in the last post looks INCREDIBLY scary in relation to Dad. For those of you who dont, let me reinforce the statement that the older we get, the more we look (and act) like our parents.

I told Brandon Farmer once that I was really glad I knew his Dad. It was like looking into the future of being friends with him. Gene Farmer is a funny, smart, great guy to hang out with and a good parent...just like Brandon was destined to become. They even worked in the same field (at least for a while).

I dont mind looking like my Dad. My only worry is that if I am built like my Dad, I have 10 years left to live. Guess I need to lay off the Big Mac's...

...and thanks for everyone who liked the beard. Too prickly - - goatee seems much cooler.

Yes -- The Beard...

Only 4 people have seen it in person - the rest of you have to settle for these 2 photos. Unfortunately, the beard is now a goatee - those pictures tomorrow.

Doing the thing that makes you most scared

Surprisingly, Tropical Storm COLIN has reemerged from a near zero chance of redevelopment. Even though he is coming no where close to land, it seems as if he has come back nonetheless. At least some surfers can enjoy nice waves for a couple days.

Its not so much that the storm came back to life as it parallels a question Ive been pondering. Once again, answered by today's PGR visit.

That phone call Ive been putting off happens tomorrow. For good or ill, at least I know I followed the instinct for once...instead of the ole' brain...which does nothing good whatsoever.

Picture of the beard tomorrow - and then shaving...if anyone is paying attention.

Anticipation or Disappointment

Today Philip came by and shot the bull for an hour or so. It was very cool to have him here just to talk about old times and nothing really important. Now, the rain is coming down for the second time today and I'm left wondering.

Spock said once that having a thing is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It isnt logical but its almost always true. Im pretty sure everyone that reads this thing knows that Im only after a couple things in this life. Being included as an equal, some security (ok, a lot of it), and walking up happy. Money, career, and power can really be excluded from all that except for the ability to go to the beach once a year is prohibited without a decent bit of income.

So Im left wondering...am I better off sitting here; well taken care of mind you, house to live in, food, recreation, good friends - or do I make the next step to looking again for that mysterious thing...elusive - and hope that I dont screw it up like old times. I gotta tell you sometimes its a lot easier to be a hermit.

The rain keeps comin today - one line after another. I cant say I dislike it. Its pretty amazing. It was HOT earlier - now - 77 and rain...with more on the way.

As a follow up to a post

"Everybody's got something thats annoying to someone else" - R. Bruce Boughman, OBE

Ok, this is correct - at least in my experience. Earlier in the blog posts, youll see a pretty negative post from me. I think whats listed above is more to the point I was trying to reach.

Can you give an example of one thing you like and dislike about me? and yourself?

Im interested in what I get back.