Yes, its been a long time. I should have done a better job of writing. I didn't. I'll try to do better. That's all I can do is try. Really try, though. Not just some half-assed statement to say I will try and then just flounder and stop.
So much has happened since the last post. THE trip of a lifetime, lots of therapy - some helpful, some totally worthless, government bureaucracy, and crocheting. Yes, I took up crocheting. I wanted to do it because someone I know does it and made it look so easy. So many elderly ladies do it, so I thought I'd just jump right in and do it. Turns out its not as easy as it looks. It's doable - bearable - but takes years to master. Just like life I suppose. Some people just master it faster than others.
I think I just finally decided to stop hiding from myself.
No, that's not true either. I think I just decided to stop hiding period. I've been scared a really long time about a lot of things. I really did want someone to save me from myself. Some people tried. Had it been what I really needed, I would have been fine. Alas, it was not.
All the stuff in self-help books and religious studies that you may have come across about how to be a better person or improve your mood or have a deeper faith seem to all start with "You have to..." I always knew my answer. I always knew what I had to do. I was just too scared.
I saw a movie trailer recently that had a line in it referring to the difference between danger and fear. Fear is an illusion. Fear isn't what hurts you. Fear does; however, alert you to danger. Danger can kill you. I finally took my step. Eight years after I should have and could have but didn't. Because I just didn't want to believe that there was a difference between danger and fear.
Clarity seems so tangible when its just you in the room with a computer screen and the theme song from "House of Cards" playing on a loop in the background. My danger was that I would never leave this house and do what I was meant (whatever that is) to do. My fear was that I was too scared to keep it from coming true.
I hope that we will plant the garden in about six weeks or so. It will be bigger and further from the fence this year. We had terrible slugs last year; but, we changed our approach.
It's another season, but a different outcome.
