Another Season but a different outcome

Yes, its been a long time.  I should have done a better job of writing.  I didn't.  I'll try to do better.  That's all I can do is try.  Really try, though.  Not just some half-assed statement to say I will try and then just flounder and stop.

So much has happened since the last post.  THE trip of a lifetime, lots of therapy - some helpful, some totally worthless, government bureaucracy, and crocheting.  Yes, I took up crocheting.  I wanted to do it because someone I know does it and made it look so easy.  So many elderly ladies do it, so I thought I'd just jump right in and do it.  Turns out its not as easy as it looks.  It's doable - bearable - but takes years to master.  Just like life I suppose.  Some people just master it faster than others.

I think I just finally decided to stop hiding from myself.

No, that's not true either.  I think I just decided to stop hiding period.  I've been scared a really long time about a lot of things.  I really did want someone to save me from myself.  Some people tried.  Had it been what I really needed, I would have been fine.  Alas, it was not.

All the stuff in self-help books and religious studies that you may have come across about how to be a better person or improve your mood or have a deeper faith seem to all start with "You have to..."  I always knew my answer.  I always knew what I had to do.  I was just too scared.

I saw a movie trailer recently that had a line in it referring to the difference between danger and fear.  Fear is an illusion.  Fear isn't what hurts you.  Fear does; however, alert you to danger.  Danger can kill you.  I finally took my step.  Eight years after I should have and could have but didn't.  Because I just didn't want to believe that there was a difference between danger and fear.

Clarity seems so tangible when its just you in the room with a computer screen and the theme song from "House of Cards" playing on a loop in the background.  My danger was that I would never leave this house and do what I was meant (whatever that is) to do.  My fear was that I was too scared to keep it from coming true.

I hope that we will plant the garden in about six weeks or so.  It will be bigger and further from the fence this year.  We had terrible slugs last year; but, we changed our approach.

It's another season, but a different outcome.

Movies and more movies...

     Well, as I have been absolutely lax beyond belief at posting, I think I will try again except this time I am planning on delving into the realm of movies.  Something my dear old friend Charlie Kinslow and I used to chat about now and again.  That man is not only a complete saint but knows a total ton about cinema - old and new.

     Today, on the summer solstice of 2012, I find myself watching the ever amazing Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla - with the amazing line "Godzilla put a curse on Japan!".  Now, I have no idea why, of the tons of movies I am able to watch at this moment, why this one came to the forefront.  While moving through this Roku box, all I could do was smile when this title slid into view. 

     Earlier, I sat through two residents of the bottom of the movie barrel (depending on which barrel you are looking through) - Marked for Death (with the ever present Sho Kosuge as the Japanese ninja battling the mob) and American Ninja 4 (with martial artist(?) Michael Dudikoff).  'Sayonara' boredom; 'ohayou gozaimasu' fun midsummer night!

     I will make a sincere effort to make a post daily with some movie or thought that runs through my head.  After trying some new medicine, I will admit to having more energy and motivation to begin this endeavor again.   I know one of my flaws is being afraid to put myself out there lest the past creep up on me.  All I can say is that the past is behind and tomorrow is ahead.  The only thing anyone can do to make recompense for the past is to be the best one can be each new day.

     With that - I relax and allow this film to whisk me away to the year 1999 - and watch Godzilla wreck havoc once again.  Cheers until next time! 

104

I just noticed that I had 104 posts the year I started this blog and only 1 this year! (and only 1 last year)....Wow...talk about letting time get away from you.

Fringe is on at the moment, there is Steel Reserve in the fridge, and a really cute Jack Russell named Gwizdo is just laying here dreaming...

So, allow this snippet to be what it is --- I have a couple more thoughts in the ole noggin this evening.

Seven months

Yes, Ive been gone too long. I have, however, figured out a couple things. First of all, that two or three year period when people move away from everyone to "find themselves" --- well, I used to rain on that parade. Alas, I was mistaken. Time like that is sometimes critical to understanding yourself.

Tonight, its raining - for the first time in a couple weeks. I sit here thinking, reading back over some of the blogs Ive written, that I have said some crazy shit - focused some interesting ideas - blathered on and on about personal nonsense - but that is what blogs are for (at least for those of us not super-interesting).

That's not really the crux of things tho. I am a frightened person. I suppose I have been for a very long time...for as long as I can remember. Fear can drive many engines - including those which are destructive, paralyzing, upsetting, and horrifying. Fear is illogical - as Spock says - but still, I remain frightened.

At some point, soon - I will find a way to move away from this fear and find what I was meant to do.

I have many failings as a person - some blatant, some hidden. At the core - I remain the same person Ive been - a need to feel useful, a need to be indispensable to someone, forgiveness when I fuck up, support when its earned, and for the love of Mary - a little bit of slack. My friendships aren't business/professional arrangements.

Should you want me around, cut me some slack...you know I'd do the same (and most likely have done the same whether you realize it or not) for you.

All that being said -- Bruce and Christy and Philip and Amber - - - - - - Ill be indebted to you for a very long time. I am going to work on the things I need to fix and I know youll be there.

If you happen to be reading this because you follow this blog, Ill try to write more. Its about to be the rainy season again.

I should have been a meteorologist, shouldn't I? I am going to have to fix that...

Another day past

Yes, its been a lifetime since my last post. I suppose one of my many weak points is that I lack the ability to follow through on a great many things - especially ones that sometimes make me draw blanks. Dave Chapelle had the same problem when he left his show, didn't he?

Ill close this very short re-introduction into blogging by saying that there are three tropical systems out there, two rounds of storms here today, and the Autumn is coming soon.

Though I have said it before, remember what Laura Alexander used to say, my friends...

"Who knows what the future will bring?"

One thing is certain. Sometimes we lose people we dearly love through our own foolishness. Sometimes we lose them because things just weren't meant to be. Sometimes, though, the ones who stick around are the ones you should hold on to. They are truly rare.

Ryan Cox and others...et.al.

((This post was originally written on July 19, 2011)

So, all things being equal - - - I haven't posted in a while....

mostly because the folks to follow this have something to say about what I have talked about, or what i have or have not done, or Lord knows what.

Nonetheless, I stopped posting for a good long while. I just couldn't stand hearing what folks I have disappointed in the past had to comment.

Ok, so you made your point, once again, Sir Cox.

Ill get back to it.

I just wonder who is still listening....

So few and far between

It seems that as of late, even as my reminders dwindle, posts come fewer and fewer. Lets just say I'm thinking what comes next. There is a certain dichotomy between what is and what will be. I am coming to my resolution faster than I'd like. Needless to say, for those who have the 'code' to read it, Stone Meadow wins out over Sailway...not that there needs to be a contest. In the end, I know I am better off at the first over the second.

Cryptic? Yes. This post comes at the end of a great deal of deliberation. Far at the end of the line, I need to be what Ilynn said so many years ago...self-sufficient and where I need to be.

Ill say this for the day ...

There are those I miss and those I long to be with from day to day. But, as Helen Melton Whitaker used to say "Crap in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up faster...".
If, in the end I am wrong in this endeavor, Ill be incredibly surprised. It hasn't taken me this long to figure out what to do - its taken me this long to get up the courage to do it.

Ive had many stages in my life - very interesting ones - and Im thankful for them all. What comes next? Who knows. What I do know is this. Its time...just like Christy Boughman told me - its time to do something.

I need to be brave, less worrysome, and just do what needs doing.

Ten years from now, I'll look back on this and smile - and know it was for the best.