Another Season but a different outcome

Yes, its been a long time.  I should have done a better job of writing.  I didn't.  I'll try to do better.  That's all I can do is try.  Really try, though.  Not just some half-assed statement to say I will try and then just flounder and stop.

So much has happened since the last post.  THE trip of a lifetime, lots of therapy - some helpful, some totally worthless, government bureaucracy, and crocheting.  Yes, I took up crocheting.  I wanted to do it because someone I know does it and made it look so easy.  So many elderly ladies do it, so I thought I'd just jump right in and do it.  Turns out its not as easy as it looks.  It's doable - bearable - but takes years to master.  Just like life I suppose.  Some people just master it faster than others.

I think I just finally decided to stop hiding from myself.

No, that's not true either.  I think I just decided to stop hiding period.  I've been scared a really long time about a lot of things.  I really did want someone to save me from myself.  Some people tried.  Had it been what I really needed, I would have been fine.  Alas, it was not.

All the stuff in self-help books and religious studies that you may have come across about how to be a better person or improve your mood or have a deeper faith seem to all start with "You have to..."  I always knew my answer.  I always knew what I had to do.  I was just too scared.

I saw a movie trailer recently that had a line in it referring to the difference between danger and fear.  Fear is an illusion.  Fear isn't what hurts you.  Fear does; however, alert you to danger.  Danger can kill you.  I finally took my step.  Eight years after I should have and could have but didn't.  Because I just didn't want to believe that there was a difference between danger and fear.

Clarity seems so tangible when its just you in the room with a computer screen and the theme song from "House of Cards" playing on a loop in the background.  My danger was that I would never leave this house and do what I was meant (whatever that is) to do.  My fear was that I was too scared to keep it from coming true.

I hope that we will plant the garden in about six weeks or so.  It will be bigger and further from the fence this year.  We had terrible slugs last year; but, we changed our approach.

It's another season, but a different outcome.